Car Accident

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!’

So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’

Social Security Office

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for
my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and
realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’
and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too’

Q. HOW MANY PERSONAL INJURY LAWYERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A. THREE.

ONE TO TURN THE BULB, ONE TO SHAKE HIM OFF THE LADDER AND ONE TO SUE THE LADDER COMPANY.

AN ELDERLY gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation at the retirement village and discovered that they both loved to fish. They decided to go fishing together and rented a boat. They were floating along when a fork in the river appeared.
The gentleman asked his lady friend, “Do you want to go up or down?”
The woman stripped off her clothes and made passionate love to the old digger right there in the boat. Afterwards, they fished for a while and continued on down the river and soon came upon another fork.
Again the old bloke asked the lady, “Up or down?” and again she stripped off and rooted him senseless. The old digger was so impressed that he asked her to come fishing with him again the next day.
Sure enough, the next day they’re floating along when they came to another fork in the river. The bloke cracked a fat and croaked, “Up or down?”
The woman remained fully clothed and replied, “Down.”
The confused bloke said nothing till he came to another fork and said, “Up or down?”
Once again the woman didn’t do anything except say, “Up.”
The grumpy old man exploded. “Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made passionate love to me. But today, you give me nothing!”
“Sorry, dearie,” replied the old woman. “Yesterday I wasn’t wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown.”

A BLOKE was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered it, a six-foot cockroach punched him between the eyes and scampered.
The next day, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered it, the cockroach was there again and it karate kicked him in the head before running away.
The day after that the doorbell rang again and when he answered it, the cockroach stabbed him several times before bolting. The bloke managed to call an ambulance and get himself to hospital. Once he got there, he explained to the doctor what had happened.
“I’m not surprised to hear that,” said the doctor. “There’s a nasty bug going around.”

The Deer

 A man kills a ‘deer’ and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the

kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue

and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the

meat was on their plates, so begged their dad for the clue. ‘Well’ the father said, ‘It’s what mummy calls me sometimes.’The little girl screams, ‘Don’t eat it…. it’s a f*king arsehole

Getting Kinky

A WOMAN was sitting at a bar drowning her sorrows when a sad-looking bloke sat down near her and started chucking back vodka shots. After an hour of this, the bloke turned to the woman and asked, “What are you drinking to forget?”
“My husband just left me because he thought I was too kinky,” she answered.
“Really?” he said. “What a coincidence. My wife just left me because she thought I was too kinky!”
“We’re both adults here and it looks like we might have a little something in common,” the woman giggled. “Why don’t we go back to my place and see what happens?”
When they got back to her place, she said, “Wait here, I’m going to change into something a little more comfortable.”
She went to the bedroom and chucked on some fuck-me boots, a leather miniskirt, a rubber bra with the nipples cut out, a dog collar and a gimp mask, then sauntered back into the living room twirling a riding crop. The bloke grabbed his coat and bolted for the door.
“Where are you going?” she asked. “I thought we were going to get kinky?”
“I’ve already shagged your dog and crapped in your purse,” he laughed. “I’m outta here!”

Q. WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVE AND HERPES?
A. LOVE DOESN’T LAST FOREVER.

bank Robbery

A MAN with a gun went into a bank and demanded the customers’ money. Once he’d taken everyone’s wallets and purses, he turned to a customer and asked, “Did you see me rob this bank?”
The bloke replied, “Yes sir, I did.”
The robber shot him in the temple, killing him instantly. He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, “Did you see me rob this bank?”
The man replied, “No sir, I didn’t, but my wife did.”

THE IRISHMAN AND THE MORMON

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.” The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said
“Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”